The rest of the week...

As all weeks do, this week has definitely had its ups and downs.  And, to clarify, this week's downs have been REALLY far down.  This week's ups have been small ups, but ups none the less...

I already mention the disaster that happened with the test, and I woke up fresh on the Thursday determined to make it a great day.  I even went to Starbucks and got a grande skinny vanilla latte and a sausage sandwich.  To me, that said "Amazing start to a wonderful day".  Well... that's not exactly how the rest of the day worked out.  I had to still give 3 district assessments and immediately after our morning meeting, I and my co-worker found out we had to have an administrator in our classroom as we proctored the tests.  In addition, we had to write a letter explaining what we did and why we did it.  Well, that was frustrating, but I figured it was just red tape.  To be honest, I had absolutely no idea how someone could believe I was cheating to improve my kids' test scores (which, in my district means improving my pay).  I don't mean to sound snobby, but I don't care about the money.  I don't teach for the money.  And I think these tests are ridiculous and don't even want to force my kids to take the tests.

Well, I went about my day, only to be confronted by my principal before my 3rd hour class.  No where in our discussion did he make any comment about understanding any of my actions, just continued to tell me what I did wrong and what I should have done.  I don't consider myself a stupid person, so I was getting frustrated with this repeated conversation.  I shut down and became completely unreceptive to my principal.  The thing is, I usually have a great relationship with my principal, and I KNOW he always goes out of his way to protect us, but that was not what it felt like this time.  

My principal decided to have my co-worker, Lily, talk to me, since we were in the same boat with this.  So, we chatted, and she told me I needed to "clarify" my letter I wrote... apparently my letter sounded like I was justifying my actions, and justification, to administration, means I cheated.  

The day went on, and I finally got to a point when I wasn't emotional at all... I was all business.  I began looking for new social studies teaching jobs, and ironically I found a part time job in another district.  The catch... the job was closing the day before so I had little time to apply.  I spent part of one class (while my kids were working on their independent study class) revising my resume.  Then I had to figure out how to ask my principal and vice principal to write me a letter of recommendation without being rude.  

Lily gave me some advice.  She told me to walk into Jackson's office and ask him straight out what his gut feeling is.  Am I going to be fired.  So I did... I walked straight in there, asked him, and waited for the facts.  Instead, I got a, "Well, here's the thing..."   By the end of the conversation, Jackson said he's 95-99% sure that I will not be fired, but that I will definitely have a letter of reprimand put into my file.  I'd also started crying again, although this time I'm not sure if it was overwhelming emotions or simply relief.  In any case, I had to attempt to clean up my face so it wasn't so splotchy before finishing my 6th hour class.


Although it was still splotchy, Charisma had attempted to make me feel better by telling me I looked pretty... which made me crack up laughing!! 


Friday came about, and to start off the day, I went back to Starbucks.  THIS TIME, it was going to work!  I bought co-workers coffee, and myself coffee AND an apple fritter.  Sugar beats all! :)  It worked.  Friday turned out to be a great day we all survived.  Some students had found out that Lily and I were almost fired and they came to us with comforts of "Miss, if that'd happen, I'd protest!  I wouldn't come to school anymore."  Granted, we don't want our students to stop coming to school no matter what, but it was a sweet thought and makes me love my kids even more.


Thankfully it's the weekend, and I get to relax with friends and an amazing husband!  (And go to see if my car, Sophia, is truly dying... the day may come when she has to get sold...)

Title unsure...

I suppose it's time for an update... and quite the day for that...


It's the third week of school, and here's what I have to say:
1.  I have PHENOMENAL kids this year.  I have NO idea what happened over the summer, but this is definitely a HUGE change!  I've never noticed these big changes before, but I love that I have kids that, at least for now, want to be successful in school.  It makes my heart float.
2.  I am in FULL anticipation of stresses to come from district assessments determining my paycheck and district administration arriving in my classroom sporadically throughout the school year for whatever reason they determine...


And 3.  Today was the first day I had to give my students a district assessment, and it was AWFUL!!!  Let me give some brief (or hopefully brief) background...


The school district I work for decided to start a "pay-for-performance" plan, meaning teachers will be paid based on how successful their students are... which is determined by district and state tests!!  I teach World History, American History, Government, and Geography, which are NOT state tested subjects.  So, most of my pay is based on the district tests.  Now, OBVIOUSLY I did not get into teaching for the money.  That's never been a true teacher's goal.  It's very frustrating to even link teaching with determining my pay... so weird!!  I really just want to teach!  I LOVE to talk to students and discuss and watch their faces when they figure something out!  That is why I love teaching! 
Okay... back to being brief... these district tests are created by teachers and retired teachers.  Then the creators have to write up an "item map", which basically is a sentence about what each question is regarding.  So, for example, if I was going to write a question about limiting the power of our government's branches, I may write a comment that says "checks and balances in American Government".  Anyway, the students are given 3 assessment sets, which are suppose to be short answer responses and about 4 - 5 questions.    Then they will take one bigger, multiple choice test at the end of the course that is suppose to determine whether or not the kids learned anything.  (I'll try to be more objective from this point on... yeah right...)  


So... if I attempt to explain more, it will get WAY to unnecessarily complicated... I gave my first assessment set today.  Oh wait... one more back story...


Yesterday, my principal stopped in for a spot observation (15 minute observation to help me become a better teacher) in my last period class.  I thought we had a great lesson... kids were engaged, discussing, and attempting to come up with a compromise between the northern and southern states.  After school, he spent OVER AN HOUR talking to me about my lesson and teaching habits.  Here's a tip.  You know the conversation is not going to go well when it begins with your principal says "OK... we need to be done with potential."  Thus starts an hour of biting the inside of your mouth so you don't have an emotional breakdown... and might I add, it doesn't help if you spouse is out of town when all this goes down...


So, as I was saying, the assessment set.  For legal reasons (aka I could lose my job) I can't tell you exactly the questions on the test, BUT, I can tell you this.  In geography, the students had to interpret a map, BUT in order to interpret, students needed to be able to tell the difference between the colors on the map.  Not a problem, UNLESS YOUR TEST IS IN BLACK AND WHITE!!  It is VERY hard to determine the difference between yellow, orange, and white when there is only black and white.  In addition, how fair is it to be testing kids on interpreting a geography map but ask them questions about historical events in American history THAT THEY MAY NOT HAVE LEARNED YET?  Especially NOT in geography class!  So what happens, you ask?  I allow the students to use a map of the United States that gives the state names (because, yes, my kids don't know the 50 states) and I have the audacity to tell the kids what the questioners meant when they asked them to find "trends" in a bar graph.  The result is my principal (whom I normally have a great relationship with) giving me a HUGE lecture on how all of that was wrong.  


Have you ever had one of those moments when you REALLY feel like crying, and you're doing whatever it takes to NOT cry (including biting the inside of your lips and staring at ANYTHING except people, because one look from a person will make you cry)?  Well, that was me today at the end of lunch, before my 4th hour class while my principal was telling me all the things I did wrong and me be frustrated because these tests should NOT be held against the students. (Did I mention our principal is making these 4 tests count as 50% of our students grades?!?!)  And the result?  My principal would NOT stop talking to me, and I started to cry. 


Yup... middle of the school day I ACTUALLY have a bit of a breakdown.  I'm not talking sobbing, just tears running down my face and I can't make them stop, no matter how hard I try.  And what happens next?  My principal keeps talking to me... while I'm crying!  Then he goes in to cover the first few minutes of my class so I can regroup. 


I don't know if any of you have ever seen me after crying, but I become ridiculously splotchy.  Even without tears, the feeling of being about to cry makes my face become splotchy.  NOT easy to cover up in 5 minutes and be a responsible teacher for the rest of the day.  It completely sapped me of all desire to work for the rest of the day... which actually infuriated me, because I LOVE TEACHING!!!  I haven't had a day like this since I started teaching, so I suppose I'm due.  To be honest, though, I'd much rather be breaking up fights than having emotional breakdowns at school...


All I keep thinking is that tomorrow is a new day... more easily said than done...
So, I resort to doing nothing for the rest of this evening and thinking about my man Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said:


"Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could.  Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."


Off to bed I go, in hopes of following Emerson's wise, sage advice.

The start of a new year...

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it within himself." -Galileo Galilei
And so it has begun!!  The first week of the new school year has been completed!  It's amazing how summer just suddenly ended and I wasn't ready for the first day, and yet, after the first week it's back to the natural swing of things.
We're really lucky this year to have such a great group of new students.  It's always sad when I lose a bunch of my favorites to graduation.  We never know what types of kids we're going to get the next year.  Last year we got a HUGE influx of new students.  They were young, mostly freshman and sophomores, which for us, means they are GROSSLY immature.  Immaturity and behavior issues in an alternative equals continual drama.  This made for a VERY long year... very exhausting, to be quite honest.
BUT, this year we have a great group of students.  So far, with few exceptions, the students are very hard-working and REALLY want to succeed in school.  I know that it's only the beginning of the second week, and there is still PLENTY of time for students to cause me grief, but my hopes are high for many of these students.  I think this will be a great year!!
My only hesitation still has to do with the district changes, BUT I've decided since I can't change anything right now, I'm going to do my best to accept the changes and roll with the punches.  We can find out what works and what doesn't and make changes based on that.  No reason to stress over something I can't change.  It reminds of one of my favorite quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson... a nice reminder that we just don't always have control of things, but we can find a way to move on:
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."